alstarryn

Title: Never Threaten a Ninja with Chocolate

Theme: Chocolate

Pairing: IruKaka/KakaIru

Genre: Romance

Rating: G

Word Count:

Summary: Iruka-centric. Iruka is contemplating Valentine’s—and the result of mixing young pre-genin with chocolate—when he’s interrupted by Kakashi, coming in through his window like usual.

Disclaimer: If I owned Willy Wonka’s and Kakashi and Iruka...I would make chocolate ninjas, so we could all have a nice...*interrupted by fangirl daydream*

Beta’d by frosteeflakes!

Iruka leaned back on his couch, staring at the crack in the ceiling paint that stretched from his kitchen and continued across to his living room. He wasn’t even thinking about the crack. Really. His mind floated elsewhere ever since he glanced at the calendar that morning. It was almost that time of year.

There were warning signs, of course. He had heard Sakura chatting with Ino about chocolate. Iruka winced, he hadn’t really been eavesdropping...right? His ears were just really good at hearing noises around him…that were in the distance…being whispered privately. Ahem. They were ninja; of course nothing said in the middle of a street would be private! Their talk had absolutely nothing to do with his extraordinary weakness for chocolate. Especially white chocolate, not that he was admitting it or anything, no sir.

‘Maybe I should make some chocolate for the pre-genin for Valentine’s...’ He quickly threw a kunai into that thought bubble as it hovered delicately around his head. There was a fire jutsu’s chance under water that he would willingly put up with a pack of hyperactive, rabid children (with training weapons!) on a sugar high. “I could always threaten them with a test…”

“Maa, Iruka-sensei, it’s not nice to threaten little children. Didn’t the Third teach you anything?”

Iruka barely contained his surprise and just barely managed to stop himself from flinching. Cautiously, he cracked open one of his does eyes and peered over his shoulder toward his now-open window where a certain obnoxious silver-haired jounin crouched, his eye curved into an oblivious but happy crescent. He waved the man in, who slid inside easily with a cat-like grace and perched on the arm of the couch. “I don’t feel like teaching potentially dangerous concepts and forms to hellions-in-training that just happen to be on a sugar high because of a holiday.”

“Make them wait until after school. Their parents can deal with the brats then.” Iruka smirked and shook his head hopelessly at the slight hostility in the older man’s voice. He didn’t remark at the sudden change of heart.

“Do you know how many children will be giving me puppy-dog eyes during the whole day with hopes of eating their sweets?” Iruka groaned, “I might be able to fend them off for a little while, and maybe even resist if it was just a few of them, but Konohamaru has definitely learned more than that perverted jutsu from Naruto.”

“Would it make you feel better if someone got you chocolates too?” Iruka’s doe eyes snapped up to the dark gray eye that twinkled at him, filled with mirth.

“Very funny, Kakashi-sensei.” He stood and stretched slowly, ignoring the cold breeze that came in from the window and slid up his shirt. Two steps brought him to the window so he could close it and a few more brought him into his poor excuse for a kitchen.

Kakashi appeared beside him in an instant, preventing him from opening his refrigerator door. “We both know how your cooking turns out. Let me take you to lunch…my treat.” His eye smiled for him since his face hid under his usual navy-mask.

Iruka blushed, knowing that Kakashi didn’t really mean anything by it. He should be mad at the jounin for insulting his cooking...or lack of it. He sighed resignedly and nodded, “Where to?”

The potentially ominous shadows that surfaced on the man’s mask gave Iruka a hint to the wide and devious grin that lay beneath it, “Ichiraku’s. We can rub it in to Naruto that we had his favorite ramen while he was out training with Jiraiya.”

Iruka smiled. It wasn’t chocolate, but ramen was pretty close in his book (both weren’t healthy for you but still amazingly yummy). “Sounds great.” He smiled at the copy nin, oblivious that he melted the evil look in the other’s smile.

“Then let’s go.” Kakashi grabbed his wrist and began to drag him out the door. Iruka barely had time to shove his feet into his sandals and grab his hitai-ate on his way out.

“What’s the rush?” Iruka pried his wrist away from the jounin’s hand with some difficulty, since he could tell that the man’s attention was elsewhere.

“Hmm?” Kakashi glanced back at Iruka with a questioning look in his eye, before shifting his gaze and letting his shoulders ease into their usual slump. He shoved his hands in his pockets dejectedly. “Oh, sorry Iruka-sensei...I’m just...hungry.”

“If you were so hungry then why did you come by my house?” Iruka barely kept up with his companion’s brisk and long strides, and had to hurry a little faster every time they passed one of the female members of Konoha.

“Maa, maybe I just wanted to talk to you? We are friends, aren’t we?”

Iruka’s face clouded minutely, “Yes.” That single word was drawn out, speaking volumes of confusion as he did so. He didn’t think Kakashi was lying outright, but he wasn’t telling the whole truth either. He quickly dismissed the dilemma when a familiar scent wrapped around his nostrils. Chocolate. No, not just any chocolate. This was heavenly chocolate. White chocolate.

Iruka stopped walking to get his bearings, and to find out where that wondrous chocolate aroma was coming from. He began to follow his nose, leaving a clueless jounin in his wake.

It didn’t take long for his nose to lead his to a small food stand that had little chocolates out on display. His eyes glazing over in sheer ecstasy, Iruka smiled fondly at all of the tiny pieces of confectionery bliss. Chocolate of all colors and styles had been made into miniature weapons. He saw all types of kunai and throwing stars, along with katanas and kama and so many more.

“Maybe I could...get these for my class. But only if they behave all day.” He started to look over the smallest ones and thought of every child individually, wondering which sweet each kid would enjoy.

“Iruka-sensei, it’s not good to threaten children with candy. It’s even worse to threaten young ninja with it.” The wisdom was quickly forgotten as both men let their eyes wander over the sugary paradise before them. The silvery head lowered next to his and he turned toward Iruka in a cheerful eye-smile.

Iruka smirked, “And here I thought I was going to have to buy you a piece as well, if you were going to help me that is. I guess I’ll just...” He let his sentence drift off as he watched an inner battle play out in the older nin’s eye.

“I’ll help.” The answer was quick and made Iruka bite back a somewhat smug smile. He watched the jounin’s single eye scan through the chocolates until it froze on a simple dark chocolate kunai. “And I’ll take that one as payment.”

Iruka spent the next half hour picking out chocolates for students, friends and co-workers with Kakashi. They decided to return to Iruka’s apartment with the chocolate before it would surely melt. They were at the door when Iruka remembered their forgotten mission to eat at Ichiraku’s. “So, Kakashi-sensei, did your plan work?”

“Plan? What plan?” Iruka grinned at the stunned look in the older man’s eye.

“Your plan. It was effective, wasn’t it? You wouldn’t have used me otherwise.” Iruka set down the chocolates on the tiny counter carefully and leaned back, his arms crossed over his chest in a very teacherly manner.

“Maa...sensei, I don’t know what your—”

“Yes you do. You used my company today to fend off a good portion of the female populace of Konoha.” Iruka gave him a long look as if to dare the other man to deny it. “I would have to be blind not to notice them hovering around you.”

Kakashi slumped, but Iruka was sure that he saw a minute smile form beneath the dark fabric that covered part of the man’s face. “You got me.” He headed toward the window he had entered by over an hour ago, “I’ll take my leave then.”

Iruka picked up the dark chocolate kunai Kakashi had picked out and briskly walked over to the jounin. He grabbed the man’s wrist and placed it in his hand. “Happy Valentine’s, Kakashi-sensei.” The chuunin smiled, a faint blush staining his cheeks.

“Y-yeah,” Kakashi stared at him for a long moment, still crouched on the window sill. Iruka watched the mask twitch and he knew the older man was smirking at him. “Happy Single’s Awareness Day, Iruka-sensei.” He gave the teacher a two-fingered salute and disappeared from sight in a puff of smoke.

Iruka shut the window slowly with a small smile dancing across his lips when something hit him. “Wait...I just gave him chocolate, didn’t I?” Kakashi had tricked him into actually giving it to him! Iruka slid down the wall to his knees, the blush that had meekly faded had returned, now in full force. “I...he better take his own advice and give me some for White Day. No one threatens a teacher with chocolate.”

(A/N: Okay...so here it is. I've been working on this fic for a while and now I think I'm ready to start putting it up here. I don't think I'll post chapters more often than once a month, so please bear with me!)

Chapter One: Once Lost, Now Found

I had spent a long time just roaming around the desert and trying to find my way to somewhere. I didn’t really have a goal, at least I didn’t in the beginning. I had never planned any sort of destination besides “away” and this desert was as good a start as any. As I ventured (and listened to all sorts of gossip) I heard of something that peaked my interest unlike every other tidbit that made its way to my ears. The rumors were a little on the horrific side but it didn’t matter to me. It sounded like it was somewhere I could fit in and not be shunned for being different. That was my destination now, that organization. The Akatsuki.

 At the moment I hoped I was headed in the correct direction. I posed numerous times as a hunter-nin to give chase to the Akatsuki without raising suspicions. I tried to keep my profile low to minimize meeting other people but even then I ran into all sorts of ninja, most of them of them as of late had been Suna shinobi. I began to wonder if I was going in the wrong direction.

 Probably.

 My sense of direction sucked. A lot.

 That is how I wound up in the desert, I guess. I didn’t really try to head in this direction to look for the Akatsuki. I just got lost and coincidentally I was correct in my wanderings. As thrilled as I should be about that little fact, I’m not. The desert is big...and hot...and everything looks the same. There was no way I would be fit for the Akatsuki if I kept getting lost. No matter how good my luck was.
 

 I regulated myself in numerous ways. I hoped that my supplies would last me until I found a town but my prayers were in vain. The water that I had brought with me dwindled away and my strength soon followed, even though I had done my best with pacing myself. As I started to feel desperate, I spotted an oasis. I felt a tug as it beckoned to me.

 I finished off the last bit of my water to give myself an extra boost so I could make it there. I sprinted toward the shade and the pool I could see almost glistening there before me. If I ever made it that far by myself, I do not know. The next thing I knew everything was cooler than I remembered it and my head was resting on something cushioned. Like someone’s lap.
 

 “Is she dead, Deidara-senpai?” A voice whispered, but to my pounding head it was loud enough. The voice seemed to have an inner reverence for the person they were addressing as ‘senpai’ but even my curiosity couldn’t make me open my eyes. Not that I needed them at the moment. I could feel an extra shadow move over me. It was blissful relief to just lay there, I didn’t want to move. As long as the sun was out of my face and no one was trying to kill me in my sleep.

 “I can’t tell, Tobi, with you hovering over her, un.” The other voice grated against my ears. It wasn’t a harsh voice, or unappealing in any way, don’t get me wrong. It was just louder than I wished. The voice sounded nice, really. Er, except for the tone it used when it spoke to the first man.

 My eyes felt heavy, like the rest of me. What the hell was going on? My throat was so dry and constricted that I couldn’t even make the tiniest of sounds. I tried to open my eyes, and almost regretted it because the person who had been hovering over me moved back and I got a blade of sunlight into my weakened eyes. I tried again, slower this time and I caught a brief flash of black, but it was a different shade of black compared to the insides of my eyelids.

 “She’s awake! Can Tobi keep her, Senpai?” It was the first man again. He seemed to be a lot nicer than the other man. I tried to compare their voices, to find a way to describe the difference between them. All I could really say was that the ‘senpai’ had a lower and calmer sound to his vocal tones.

 I heard ‘senpai’ click his tongue, as if dismissing the other person. “You can’t just own a person, un. They can talk. Besides, I doubt this one will make it, yeah...” I could hear the condescending tone in his voice and if I could have lifted my arm I would have decked him with all of my might. The sound of that voice filled me with dread. I didn’t know why, but for some reason it sounded like that voice was trying to encourage me to die. I shuffled through my repertoire of curse words to use on the pessimist when I felt something cold and wet touch my lips. Water.

 I drunk slowly, knowing that if I didn’t I could make myself seriously sick. The cold liquid almost made my throat ache, but its silky numbness prevented that from happening. As I drank I heard many different noises of excitement, but all of them sounded muffled for some reason. Why were they excited? Oh, yeah. I’m alive, aren’t I? Maybe that was the reason for elated sounds. It was still very odd. I dearly wanted to open my eyes and see what the hell was going on but I wasn’t sure that my brain was currently capable of sending any commands to other parts of my body.

 Eventually, I managed to open them a crack. I closed them almost immediately because of the the brightness around me. I opened them again hesitantly but instead of seeing a blue sky, I saw a mask. It wasn’t just any mask either. It was bright orange and swirled like soapy water down the sink drain...or maybe a cinnamon roll. There was a single eye hole and inside the hole was a dark eye that sparkled, either with happiness or mischief, I could not tell.

 The masked person helped me sit up slowly. It took a few tries before I was completely upright, since vertigo and a sick-to-my-stomach feeling took turns at making me miserable. My eyes locked onto a blond man sleeping against the only tree in the oasis. I looked at the one who had given me the water and he put a finger up to where his lips would be under the mask.

 “Hi, Tobi is me. Who are you?” He whispered so not to wake the other that I decided had to be ‘Deidara-senpai’. The one who was awake had wanted me for a pet, and the other didn’t care if I died. My eyes slowly adjusted and I started seeing the colors around. The sand was blinding white and heavily contrasted with the black clothing of the man in front of me.

 I gawked at him as politely as anyone could as my eyes roved over the clothes he wore. Wasn’t he hot? Every inch of his skin was covered in black cloth, expect the white stockings that went over the leg bindings that most nin wore. His hand faltered in front of his ‘lips’ and he let his hands pool in his lap and he began to twitch uncomfortably under my semi-scrutinizing gaze.

 I decided that (besides being crazy for wearing so much black in a desert) Tobi was a lot nicer than his senpai. “I’m Kairi, just Kairi.” I watched the mask for some hint of an expression, but I couldn’t see any. I couldn’t see his eye well enough to assess anything easily so the best I could do was guess that Tobi was probably mulling things over inside the orange swirl.

 “Kai...ri...chan?” He cocked his head to one side in an innocent-puppy type way. It was almost endearing, but I couldn’t let my guard down around him. He sounded either mentally unstable or something like that. I nodded, not quite used to the honorifics of this country.

 He jerked slightly, as if he had been rude or something and waved a hand at the sleeping man as he continued, “Oh. That is Tobi’s senpai, Deidara-senpai. He didn’t mean what he said. Tobi knows Senpai really well. He’s just mad ‘cause Senpai didn’t get to blow stuff up yet.” He beckoned me closer with a gloved hand and I leaned closer just to humor him. “Tobi is on a mission.”

 I smiled at him, on the outside at least. Of course I couldn’t take him seriously, you know? He talked like a little kid, even if his voice seemed a little too mature. I couldn’t really guess as to what his real age could be. Maybe he was 16? He sounded like he could be as old as 20, but the way he spoke made me wonder. Maybe he had never been quite right up there and this Deidara fellow was his keeper. I almost laughed. A mission indeed.

 That was when my eyes lowered and I found myself face-to-face with the best clue for going where I was trying to. Tobi was wearing the cloak of an Akatsuki member! How could I not have noticed before? Turning, I could see Deidara wore one too. I had actually found what I was looking for, which brought up a lot of things I needed to consider. Such as, how could I convince them to bring me with them? More importantly, how could I convince them to bring me with them as a comrade and not as someone that they wanted to kill and torture for information?

 “What kind of mission, Tobi-kun?” I asked sweetly. It couldn’t hurt to ask him, right? I needed to know at least a little more about the Akatsuki, since the rumors I heard left much to desire. I knew I probably wouldn’t understand what they were after since I wasn’t really from anywhere around here, but I was going to try.

 Tobi took a deep breath, as if he was about to spill a big secret. “Tobi can’t tell Kairi-chan, cause Tobi is a good boy.” If he could see how blank my face had gotten so suddenly after getting hopeful, he didn’t comment. He stayed silent, longer than I figured he usually did. “Kairi-chan? Why are you out here in the desert?”

 “Well...Tobi-kun. I’m lost.” Only because I probably couldn’t find my way out of a cardboard box, but I didn’t think he needed to know how bad I was at going places. Not that it really mattered where I was going of course. My only goal was to go away from there and never go back. No matter what.

 “Were you trying to go home?” I watched him cock his head to the side innocently.

 “I don’t have a home, Tobi-kun.” I looked up at him and bit back the words that wanted to come out. ‘I don’t want one either. It’s not safe in a home. It’s not safe anywhere.’ I pushed my wavy black hair out of my face. Ah, much better. The sun was going down now and I felt better than ever. My right eye still hurt from being so sensitive to light, but it wasn’t as bad as it could be.

 “Tobi’s got a good home! Maybe Kairi-chan could live with T...” He froze when his gaze turned to me. His masked face came closer. I could almost see into the eye hole of his mask. “Kairi-chan! Your eyes are different colors!”

 I, who had never really looked in a mirror, knew this. People had made fun of me plenty of times because of it. I couldn’t even begin to list all of the names that I got called. “Yeah? Your point?” I hate to admit that my tone was harsher than I meant. I didn’t mean to snap at him, really. My eyes were just something I was sensitive about, especially since they were important to me. They were different compared to most people, and they just could comprehend how much.

 “Tobi thinks it’s pretty.” He swayed a bit, from one side to the other. It was entirely juvenile, but at the same time it suited him.

 “Oh...” I smiled, but only slight. It was the first time I had smiled in I had no idea how long. The expression felt foreign to me, but I think it fit the situation. As I stared at the eye-hole in the mask, I thought I saw the flicker of joy in his eye. I was good at reading emotions in those expressive orbs, but Tobi was going to be a challenge.

 “Why are they different colors?” He leaned forward to examine my eyes better and I did all I could to prevent myself from moving away or hitting him.

 “I-I’m not sure.” Honestly, I wasn’t. I knew that the fact that they were different colors helped people tell which one had the ‘power’ and which one did not, but I wasn’t going to tell Tobi about that just yet. He didn’t need to know, so I didn’t have to tell him.

 “Oh...” He nodded to fill the silence. He was always moving in some small way, as if he was filled with so much energy he would explode if he stopped.

 I wasn’t going to speak unless he asked me something. I didn’t want him to know too much about me. Just because I wanted to join the Akatsuki does not mean I wanted all of them to know a lot about me. I would keep their knowledge at the barest of minimums unless it was needed for keeping people, specifically me, alive.

 I studied him as the night wore on. He never turned away from me. Somehow he was content with bouncing in one spot. My eyes didn’t grow tired, if anything the darkness of the night helped them get stronger. I shifted my gaze to the sleeping man and let my eyes soak in every detail of him.

 Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t like I had the hots for him, although he wasn’t that bad looking either, but it was easier to memorize him since he wasn’t wearing a mask.

 I found myself wondering what color his eyes were...and why he kept one of them covered. I know I did, but I at least had a reason. It was even a logical one.

 I shifted uncomfortably. I didn’t like how much attention I was paying to him. My eyes drifted back toward him and his golden hair. Augh. I wanted to smack myself. Why couldn’t I get over him? I shook my head when I realized that Tobi was trying to tell me something. My mismatched eyes locked on the mask, “Hmm?”

 “Tobi said, Kairi-chan, that Tobi needs to rest now, because of the mission. But maybe after Kairi-chan can come home with Deidara-senpai and Tobi.” He bounced slightly before laying down on his back with a soft thump, making some sand float in the air.

 “Maybe, Tobi-kun.” I didn’t move to lay down. “I’ll keep watch, you rest.”

 I could almost hear him smile when he hummed an affirmative. It was odd, how he could trust me so readily. Heh, trust. Something I did not have to spare.

 If Tobi had grown up like I had...he wouldn’t be so trusting either. I studied him as I leaned toward the pool of water. I cupped some in my shaking hands and drunk slowly until I was full before returning to watch over the two men.

 There was something about Tobi that I couldn’t really place. I thought about it and thought about. Nothing came to me. As the night grew deeper and darker, it clicked.

 Tobi didn’t know. He didn’t know about family, nor foster parents. There was something about him that made me believe that he had lost his memories. I felt jealousy bubble in my chest. If only I could be that naïve. Maybe my heart wouldn’t be as heavy as it was now.

 But, my reason told me smugly, if I was indeed that naïve I would be dead. Or at least close to it. I would be hunted after by the people who became my enemies, and feared by everyone else. I escaped, and I was grateful for that.

 “Sleep, un. I’ll take the watch now.”

 I jumped. Jolting from my reverie, I looked up at the blond who stared at me as equally as I had earlier while he slept. I met his gaze, keeping all of my emotions in check.

 Blue. That was the color of his eyes.

 It wasn’t just blue blue either. It was a bright sky blue with a gauzy curtain of gray carefully obscuring it just so.

 A normal girl could get lost in those eyes. It was a good thing that I couldn’t be called normal even if monkeys flew. I didn’t get lost. I did, however, manage to keep myself from glaring at him.

 “Sure.” My voice seemed to be a little tighter than I last remembered. I didn’t care if something happened to him, as long as Tobi was safe. I froze inside, since when did I start to care about Tobi? Oh yeah, since he kept me from dying. I guess I had to be a little grateful for that. I didn’t care if that Deidara guy got hurt though. It would serve him right.

 I curled up on my side, protecting my stomach out of habit, and kept the tree that Deidara had used against my back. If he was about to object to me taking his spot he must have changed his mind because he didn’t say anything more about it.

 It took a while before I could close my eyes. I just couldn’t trust him enough to not try to kill me while I slept. I don’t know why he thought that I would be better off dead. I know that I didn’t think that way about myself, nor him either. Well, at least for the time being I didn’t think he’d be better off dead. He could always be used as fodder, right?

 I smirked to myself when the picture of my fans slicing into him came to my mind’s eye. Ha, that’d be funny. I could roast at least five regular shinobi with the chakra that I felt humming under the blond’s skin.

 I willed myself to relax when I heard Deidara clear his throat. He was telling me to sleep in the nicest way possible without having to actually say anything to me. I took the hint and did my best to let my body relax, sinking into a shallow and uneasy rest.

I was able to make my escape (with a piece of Apple Crumb pie) around 1 and then began to wander around the fair at my own leasure. As I meandered about I saw a man who was like a mime yet not quite. He drove a mini car (it was old fashioned, maybe fourties or fifties?) with a trailer on the back that had an "organ" and three fake and animated orangutans on the back playing all sorts of pipe organ carnival music. He was completely silent, dressed in black slacks and a white shirt, and handed out with looked like a five dollar bill. On the back were the words: 

FREE CERTIFICATE
Good for a Lifetime

Listen to the
MASTER'S VOICE

ENJOY THIS DAY

Compliments of The Hurdy Gurdy Man

I think it was some religious reference because there was that little fish symbol next to it. I thought it was cute though because,:
1. He didn't say a word
2. He moved with robot-like stiffness in a pattern, so people thought he really wasn't real
3. When people tried to take one he'd move his hand about to make it difficult, and when they pulled on it he leaned toward them as if he was going to tip over and scare them off
~AND~
4. For most of the older girls once they got it, he would look at them and beckon them over with a finger and then tap his cheek as if to ask for a kiss on the cheek. When they got close enough he'd suddenly turn his face toward them and they jerked away surprised. (I did it too, even though I knew what he was going to do, it just looked too fun.
He was really good at controlling his emotions. He kept his face straight the entire time even when kids said that they should slap his face and see if he really was real or not!